The magic numbers are 5:1.
John Gottman’s research on couples gives us the best insight on how couples can have a great relationship. He found that couples who have truly great relationships share an average of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. Positive interactions include: showing appreciation, kind touch, doing things for each other, showing support, and giving gifts. Negative interactions include arguments, harsh words, ignoring one another, and many other things. You have a lot of choices in which things to do. But, the basic ratio will determine whether the relationship is extraordinary, is average, or if it sucks.
Connection is the basis of all human relationships. One of the major perks of being in a relationship is feeling close and bonded with your partner. Being in a love relationship means one or both of you want to feel deeply connected.
If you ask a relationship expert, “How can I have a deep connection with my partner?” they will tell you to improve your communication skills. Then, they will give you 3-5 techniques that rely on talking. If you go to couples counseling, they will instruct you to fix your problems by talking.
So many people have trouble communicating. Even if you and your partner speak the same language, it’s easy to misunderstand what your partner “really meant.” Speaking clearly is the most straightforward way to know what is in another person’s mind. Talking is an easy way to feel close and to fix problems.
But talking doesn’t come easily for everyone. Some people stumble on their words, freeze up during discussions, and struggle to say what they really mean.
Does that mean that those who have a hard time talking are destined to be sad and alone?
NO!
There are many ways to connect with a partner. Talking is only one of them. In fact, all couples connect in a variety of ways. Just think of the power of a meaningful glance. While you are unlikely to sustain a connection without ANY words, there are many ways to deeply connect without talking.
People can connect with one another many other ways. Here are a few:
- Sharing experiences.
- Being present at important events.
- Listening deeply.
- Having fun together.
- Resting together.
- Sharing inside jokes.
- Touching physically.
- Making eye contact.
- Taking care of one another in everyday situations and when one of you is sick or in crisis.
- Sharing memes, music, or video clips that express your thoughts and feelings.
- Learning a skill together.
- Being your partner’s fan.
- Doing a project together.
- Sharing beliefs, values, and a life mission.
- Caring about what is important to your partner.
- Participating in your partner’s hobbies with a good attitude, even if they aren’t much fun for you.
- Accepting your partner for who they really are.
- Doing activities that trigger strong emotions.
- Paying attention when your partner wants your attention.
- Working towards a goal together.
- Traveling together.
- Sharing a special place.
- Eating together.
- Being playful with one another.
- Doing everyday tasks together such as chores and running errands.
If none of these ideas excite you, think of the things that you already enjoy doing. When you include a partner in these activities, you build the connection. Make sure that you take part in some of their favorite activities, too.
At the beginning of your relationship, you naturally connected to your partner through a variety of activities. The trick is to continue these connecting activities after the newness wears off and there are other distractions. You can revive a stale connection by bringing back some of the activities you did in the beginning.
If long drawn-out conversations exhaust you, you can use words in different ways to connect with your partner. Want to get better at communicating with words? Use some of these ideas to improve the quality of your communication with your partner.
- Have difficult conversations through emails, texts, and letters.
- Use voice memos to one another.
- Ask curious questions.
- Learn words that describe your emotions.
- Sum up what you heard before giving your opinion.
- Take frequent short breaks during difficult discussions.
- Take a walk or drive while talking.
- Practice communicating in low-stress situations.
- Memorize several good responses.
- Say thank you for the ways your partner makes your life easier.
- Compliment your partner to other people.
All couples need to strengthen their connection throughout their relationship. There are so many ways to build the relationship. Don’t give up if your partner gives you a hard time about how you communicate. Choose some of the other options. They will appreciate your efforts. And you will feel closer to them so it will be easier to try it their way, too.
If you have difficulty feeling close with your partner, use the free Relationship Guides to learn easy steps to change the patterns in your relationship so you can feel close and connected.
